The end of the firsts

Have you ever sat down to write a letter, or e-mail (or blog entry) that you want to have some meaning, or that you want to sound well thought out and intelligently written yet can't get it started? You take a stab and quickly back pedal, followed by another attempt that is probably dismissed and erased due to it's cliche sounding nature. You look at a blank page again, or a growing pile of scribbled and crumpled up paper (if you're old school) and find yourself further from knowing how to begin that you were when you began. So you finally give in and just go for train-of-thought writing, hoping you'll be able to segway into your original thought gracefully without anyone ever noticing it was all just a distraction to buy time?

In the unofficial, non-existent yet often referenced book "What to do After you have a Death in the Immediate Family" it says, "Don't do anything drastic, or make any major decisions in the first year." The first year, what is supposed to be enough time to mourn, reflect, adjust, and begin the process of getting to "the new normal." Once that first year has come and gone, every milestone has been passed and every first has happened: first Christmas, first birthday, first generic Hallmark holiday, first anniversary of the first day of the Year of Firsts. Those first 12 months are said to be some of the most difficult, and once they have passed it's supposed to begin getting easier.

This Thursday, my year of firsts will come to an end. From this point on there will be no more scripted uncharted territory. The concerned gaze will lighten on the big holidays and milestone days, and life this side of that day will start to become standard rather than difficult and different.

At least this is what is said in the guide book.

I believe it for the most part, as a noticeable weight was lifted this past Friday when we successfully passed the first Thanksgiving, but as a friend said to me, it's awfully bold to believe that everything gets easy now. Even when the years this side of my mother's death outnumber those counted while she was alive, I don't think it will ever become completely normal nor easy. There are still many more unknown firsts that lie ahead and even a few that are known but not scheduled. But, something did change after this past weekend and changed for the better. I felt grounded and calmed, and ready to start making some of those decisions that I was supposed to stay away from in the first year (more on those in posts yet to come.)

I don't think the first year really has any magical healing powers, rather it's just another milestone said to signify the end of counting milestones. Whatever it is, it will soon have come and gone and I'll find myself on the other side of the year of firsts. A side I think I'll be very happy to be on.